A lesson in karma

I was cleaning out some old files this weekend and came across some feedback forms from a workshop I offered a few years ago.

I'd had high hopes for it, and worked really hard to prepare. It ended up not being all that great, though. The participants were kind and respectful on their feedback forms, but they had a lot of suggestions for how it could have been better.

I remember feeling really ashamed and embarrassed for falling far short of what I'd wanted.

I'd like to say that I did what I'd encourage anyone else to do: show myself some compassion, ask for some support, and make improvements for next time.

Instead, I tried to forget all about it. I buried my notes in a drawer and never offered the workshop again.

They say time can heal wounds, but that wasn't the case here. Unearthing my workshop notes this weekend, all the shame and embarrassment came rushing back full force. It felt awful, and my first instinct was to throw all those papers in the trash.

But I didn't.

Instead, I decided to offer myself some long-overdue kindness, and try to glean what there might still be for me to learn from the memory. I reminded myself that this was the first time I'd ever led this particular class, and that there was just a lot I didn't know. Also, one disappointing experience wasn't a final judgement on me or my teaching; just a snapshot of one moment in time.

I felt compassion for the "me" of a few years ago, who really believed in what she was teaching, and wanted so badly to offer something valuable to people. She was doing the absolute best that she could.

This made me think about the many times I've been in classes myself and judged instructors harshly. Instead of looking for things to appreciate, I am often quick to notice and be bothered by a teacher's shortcomings, and to have those shortcomings color my evaluation of them as a person.

I normally think of karma as other people giving back to me in some form what I've previously given out. But in this case I suffered simply having my own impossible standards turned back toward me.

Feeling the impact of that karmic boomerang was so helpful. It made me want to pay attention to other judgments I may be making about others at the risk of my own self-compassion. And it made me want to be extra gentle to all of us who are simply trying to live our lives the best we can.

May you experience that gentleness, too.