Some lessons in anger
/I got into an argument with my husband earlier today.
Responding to this tweet that Jeff Bezos could -- and perhaps should -- have given much more than $300 to each Amazon employee this holiday season, he began defending Bezos's wealth, and listing all of the good that multibillionaires do in the world.
We love to hate rich people because inequality feels so awful, he said, but would the world as a whole be better off without them or their riches? Not necessarily.
He was right, and it infuriated me.
I realized I'd been holding on to the simplistic idea that rich, powerful people are the "bad guys" in our system -- symbols of greed, unfairness, ignorance, irresponsibility, and more. Yet in a few well-argued minutes, he took my enemy away from me.
I was left with a powerful rage and bitterness at the state of the world — with no one to blame it on.
Empathy pioneer Karla McLaren calls anger the "honorable sentry," the emotion that arises to protect and restore things that we care about. I have to admit, I tend to push it away, because it can fuel a kind of meanness and awfulness that I don't want anything to do with. But the actual purpose of anger, says Karla, is to help us clarify our values and maintain our boundaries -- both of which can be done without attacking anyone or being hurt ourselves.
In my post-argument moments, with my rage no longer pointed at specific people, things that I deeply care about, and have been troubled by, were so much easier to see.
I care that we humans are so disconnected from each other, and from God/Life/Truth/Peace/Beauty/Grace (pick your synonym) that we spend so much of our time focused on stupid, meaningless things.
I care that so many of us -- myself included -- spend so much time feeling small and victimized, when we have so much to offer the world.
I care about how common it is for people -- again, myself included -- to be more committed to defeating our "enemies" than standing for what we want. The two are not the same, and they lead to very different results.
The interaction with my husband wasn't a lot of fun, but it contained some great lessons and reminders about anger:
It doesn't require that there be anyone to blame.
When it's there, it just means there's something I really care about.
Tapping into those values is powerful -- and easier to do when I'm not distracted by seeing people as enemies.
Life on earth being what it is, I don't see my anger going away any time soon, but I'm excited to get better at working with it so it can be a force for good and not just more suffering.
If you've got any related stories or insights to share, I'd like to hear them!