Disliking people vs. disliking situations: It makes a difference!

I recently posted a bunch of new videos to my YouTube channel. Several were about the Signs of Kindness project: A short overview, a longer introduction, an FAQ about whether I'm a nonprofit, and some thoughts for people who are reluctant to plant their own signs.

There was also this short one, which I recorded several weeks ago and had nearly forgotten about. It was about how we phrase our displeasure in relation to others.

When you're frustrated or disappointed, where do you direct that energy? Is it toward other human beings? Or is it toward the larger situation? It seems to me that the first creates separation, judgement, and fear, while the latter allows us to remain connected and whole, even in emotionally charged situations.

Do you say: "I can't stand people who _________"?

Or do you say: "I can't stand it when people _________"?

Maybe this is just my own quirky pet peeve, but to me there's a striking difference between those two statements.

The first one is a judgement on the person. I don't like what someone did, and that behavior defines them in my eyes. It makes them unworthy of my goodwill and acceptance. I reject and distance myself from them and all people like them. It leaves me feeling self-righteous, separate, and victimized.

The second is a judgement on the situation. I don't like what someone did -- or frankly, when anyone does what they did. I don't like the impact that it had, how it made me feel, how it violated my values or beliefs. I reject the behavior, but really it's more about my own experience than it is about them. It helps me re-commit to what's important to me.

When I hear someone say, "I can't stand people who _____," my gut reaction is often fear: Oh my goodness, do I do that? If so, will this person hate me? How do I hide so they don't find out? Maybe I can take a breath and respond in a grounded way, but it still doesn't feel that great.

When I hear someone say, "I can't stand it when people _____," honestly I might still have an inner moment of panic, but it's less a fear of rejection than a fear of knowing that I've caused harm that I didn't intend. And it can lead to a more open, honest and productive conversation.

What do you think? Is this a distinction you're sensitive to? Are there other phrases you don't like, perhaps for similar reasons?

What practices do you have for staying present in a conversation even when the other person pushes your buttons?