The traffic jam that is life

The featured speaker at this morning's Natick Community Celebration of Martin Luther King, Jr. was Jim Kates, who was a civil rights volunteer during the 1964 Freedom Summer, helping register African-American voters in Mississippi.

One thing he reminded us was how much civil rights activists disagreed with and even disliked each other, and how common that is.

Think about a traffic jam, he said. All of the drivers ultimately want to get to the same place, but that's not usually how we think about it. Instead, we get frustrated with the other drivers.

We forget that it's not these people who are the problem, but this situation that feels so unsatisfactory.

We also forget that if we all keep facing in the same direction, doing what we can to move forward, we will eventually arrive at our destination. 

Have you experienced conflict or frustration with people who want the same kinds of things that you do? I certainly have.

It doesn't necessarily keep us from our destination -- in fact, it can be a rich and important source of learning -- but it also doesn't feel that good.

I'm looking forward to applying the traffic jam metaphor the next time I'm upset with someone, or someone else is upset with me:

Hey, we're both just drivers here....

Where are we going, again?

Discomfort as the path to empathy

In church this morning, on this Martin Luther King Day weekend, the sermon topic was white privilege. The minister urged us to notice the ways we as white people (and yes, 99+% of the congregation is white) benefit from our skin color without even being aware of it. And of course he's right.

But the sermon didn't leave me satisfied, because it seems to me that simply understanding that we have hidden privileges doesn't necessarily help us relate to people better, or create the kind of society I want to live in. In fact, sometimes I think it just adds an extra layer of guilt and awkwardness.

Creating the kind of beloved community that MLK dreamed about takes more than intellectual understanding. It requires empathy. And empathy is never going to come from an "us" and "them" framework, where "we" are privileged and "they" are not, as if our lives are fundamentally inaccessible to one another. Empathy comes from recognizing the threads of common humanity, even when the details are quite different.

While it's true that I'll never have first-hand experience being black in America, I do know what it's like to feel like an outsider, and to have false assumptions made about me based on how I look. Recognizing how terrible that feels is the beginning of empathy.

Most of the time I try to avoid those uncomfortable situations (and usually can, because I'm pretty darned privileged). But I'm realizing how poorly that avoidance serves me as a human being who wants to love well. If I can't be around large numbers of people who are different from me without feeling totally uncomfortable, I've still got a lot of growing to do. 

To support that growth, I have been thinking today of ways I might be able to put myself into situations where I—the straight, white, well-educated, able-bodied, home-owning, English-speaking woman—am the minority, and wouldn't necessarily be welcomed with open arms.

For starters, I could attend more diverse cultural events, volunteer with different populations, travel to other countries or regions, or just walk around different parts of the city. These things all seem embarrassingly small to me, but the truth is, I've often avoided them, not just because they're "not my thing," but because I'm afraid of the discomfort of feeling like I don't belong.

I think it's about time I got over myself.

Anyone else want to join me in this exploration?

What would it look like for you to step out of your comfort zone with different groups of people?

Hygge and happiness

One of yesterday's On Point topics was the Danish concept of hygge (pronounced sort of like HOO-ga), which is getting international attention as a possible explanation for why Denmark is one of the happiest countries in the world.

Hygge connotes coziness, togetherness, comfort, warmth, and ease. Picture a group of good friends relaxing around a fireplace on a snowy evening, with warm socks and warm drinks, enjoying the simple pleasure of each other's company, and you've essentially conjured the feeling. 

It's nice, right?

What makes it special in Denmark is that they have a word for that experience. They focus on it, and actively create opportunities for it in their lives.

Perhaps any human being could enjoy hygge, but it's a happiness practice that they are especially good at because it's built into their language, their traditions, and social fabric.

There was a side comment during the program that the Danes value hygge in much the way that we Americans value freedom, which I thought was fascinating.

In the United States we think about freedom, talk about freedom, and aspire to experience self-determination and self-expression in all areas of our lives. While any human being might be able to enjoy that sense of freedom, cultivating it is a happiness practice that we Americans are especially good at it.

It makes me wonder what other happiness practices are out there in different cultures and subcultures. What do other people take for granted as essential to their quality of life, that I might not have thought about before? Are there happiness practices unique just to your particular family or community?

If anything comes to mind, please share! 

Freedom is admitting guilt

I know I'm not the only one who experiences negative self-talk. You know, that little voice inside that likes to point out flaws, insufficiencies, hypocrisies, failures?

Conventional self-help wisdom says, Don't listen to that inner critic! Instead, focus on the positive, recognize your strengths, think about what you're grateful for....

I think that is bad advice.

Not that I have any problem with focusing on the good. In fact, I think it's really, really important.

The problem is the assumption that we should only think positive thoughts, and that the inner critic is therefore a threat to us.

It's not.

Heck, a lot of the time it's right! We do make mistakes. We do treat each other badly. We are often ignorant and selfish and irresponsible and do things we regret.

So what?

There is a ton of good stuff about us too. 

Read any good biography of a hero, and you'll find a flawed human being who nevertheless did great things. We don't have to be any different.

Next time you're feeling down on yourself and your inner critic starts listing all of your shortcomings, what would happen if you quit fighting against the negativity and simply admitted it was true?

For me, even acknowledging that a negative judgment might be partly true is enough to make a difference. It helps me breathe, and let go of whatever impossible standard of perfection I was clinging to. Yes, that thing I just did was boneheaded and embarrassing. Sigh.

There is freedom in admitting guilt, and just allowing reality to be what it is. When you no longer need to defend or justify what you did in the past, it opens up possibilities for what you might do next.

What do you want to do now? 

Ultimately, it's the only choice that matters.

Learning from discomfort

I shared my recent post, How happiness is like memorizing, with Neil Kutzen, the memory trainer, and he wrote back with a great observation that I wanted to share with you, too.

He was struck by this line, in particular: "I had incredible trouble tonight coming up with images to help call to mind different sounds, and had trouble noticing identifying features of faces, too." He explained, as he had during the workshop, that learning this process is like learning two new languages, and as such, it's normal for it not to come easily right from the beginning.

He also reminded me that the words we use to describe our efforts have a powerful effect on our experience, and suggested this re-framing: “It was new for me to be coming up with images to help call to mind different sounds. It was also new for me to not just look at a face, but to identify a single feature. Both of these things will get better with practice.”

I like that wording much better: There's nothing wrong with me; I'm just new at this!

I wonder why I so quickly assume that my discomfort in situations means that something must be wrong: something wrong with me, something wrong with you, something wrong with society, etc.

As if life isn't supposed to involve any challenges or discomfort.

What if the discomfort is simply an indicator that there's something new to learn?

I'm thinking about the situations I encounter that make me uncomfortable: people who are different from me; conflicts between how things are and how I think they should be; physical pain; uncertainty in all forms. So many opportunities for learning!

What could you learn from the uncomfortable situations in your own life? 

Perhaps the first step in that learning process (thank you, Neil!) is to remember that there is nothing wrong.

An antidote for gift-giving anxiety

Today I prepared a big order of Giving Kits at the request of someone who wanted me to anonymously send them out to a list of their friends. (My apologies for the plural pronoun there, all you grammar people. Just trying to keep it as anonymous as possible.)

I was delighted to receive and fulfill this request, as I am especially fond of the Giving Kit concept. But I also know the idea is weird enough that not everyone who receives one of these packages is going to like it or know what to do with it.

Have you ever worried about how someone will a receive a gift from you? Maybe they won't like it, and you'll feel bad for getting it wrong, or you'll resent them for not appreciating the amount of thought/money/time that you put into it?

Those scenarios can quickly turn giving from a joyful experience into an unpleasant one. But they don't have to. 

The trick is focus on why you're giving them a gift in the first place. What do you really want for them? How do you want them to feel? Special? Loved? Appreciated? Excited? Truly, it's the thought that counts, and taking the time to pay attention to your thoughts can make a huge difference for how your gift-giving feels.

As I was assembling the Giving Kits today, I found myself saying a little blessing for each one, which soothed any anxiety I was feeling about people's possible responses. Whoever receives this one, may they be delighted by it. Whoever receives that one, may they feel loved. May this one be inspired. May that one be comforted.

That extra intention may not make any difference to the people receiving these kits, but it certainly mattered to me, because no matter what people do (or don't do) with their kits, I know that they were sent with love. And ultimately, that's the best thing a gift-giver can offer.

Reflections on home

Just before the new year, I went to visit my parents, who still live in my childhood home in the rural suburbs of Rochester, New York. My husband and kids were elsewhere, so it was just me, Mom and Dad. And it was such a blessing.

One morning I was looking out over my parents' many acres of beautiful land, and it struck me so profoundly how lucky I am to have a place like this to come home to, where I know that I am loved, and that the people in my family want nothing more than for each other to be happy.

I know not everyone has a family situation like that, but I wish they did. Each one of you deserves it.

What's interesting to me is that even with all the blessings of my childhood -- a beautiful place to live, a well-functioning mind and body, parents who loved me, no worries about poverty, divorce, relocation or my own physical safety -- I still ended up struggling with low self-worth all the way into adulthood.

I remember my dad asking me once, perhaps on a visit home from college, didn't I have a sense of my own fundamental, unconditional goodness? He asked it in such a way that made it clear that he knew that to be true for himself, and that he assumed I did too. But I didn't. The best I could come up with was that I knew he and Mom loved me, but even as I said it I could feel how unsteady a foundation that was.

It wasn't until I was 35 years old that I actually learned first-hand what he was talking about, and it came not from my parents but through a personal growth and leadership seminar.

The way that transformation worked for me gives me a lot of hope as I think about everyone I know who doesn't have a safe or loving home to live in or return to. Our past, no matter what it is, doesn't dictate our present.

Change is always possible.

Sometimes change comes in the form of someone else being transformed. The absent or abusive parent who is blessed enough to realize before they die how much pain they caused, and comes back to apologize and make amends. No longer needing anything from their child but simply wanting to love them, they offer a safe and loving home now. The relationship is healed, and it is beautiful.

More often, though, the change has to start with us. We can be a safe and loving presence ourselves, for other people who are longing for a home. And we can allow others to be that for us.

As they say, it takes a village, right? 

I'm happy to be your neighbor.

How happiness is like memorizing

I went to a great workshop this evening called The Art of Remembering Names, with professional memory trainer Neil Kutzen. 

He taught us a simple memorization process that has been used for millenia, where you pick a visual image to remind you of a person's name (e.g. an angel for Angela), and a memorable physical feature of the person (say, Angela's nose), and then visualize the two blending together in a creative way (for instance, a band of miniature angels flying in and around her nose). The next time you see Angela's face, you immediately remember that crazy image, and can confidently say, "Hi, Angela!"

Clearly, this process works. Neil had memorized the names of everyone in the group (using our photos on Meetup) before we even got there, and told us stories and showed us videos of people memorizing names that were truly astounding to me. But he was also very quick to point out that just learning the technique does not make you any better at actually memorizing names. If you want it to make any difference in your life, you have to practice, practice, practice. And even then, there will always be ways to improve.

The same is true for creating happiness in your life. Really, the process is simple: Notice what's happening and allow it to be there. Then focus on what you want, and do something that's consistent with your desire. 

This process can be applied to any circumstance, and it can work every time. But to do it quickly in the moment, and consistently across all situations, takes a lifetime of practice and dedication.

For both of these things, I love knowing that there is an actual process that can be learned. Some people may be naturally happier than others, and some may be better at remembering names, but all of us can get better at both, if we want to. 

When it comes to memorizing names, I am a total novice. I had incredible trouble tonight coming up with images to help call to mind different sounds, and had trouble noticing identifying features of faces, too. There is so much room for improvement! But now I know some specific things I can do that will help, and am motivated to try them.

I love that I don't have to have any hope of mastering memorization in order for for small changes to make a big difference.

Small changes can make a big difference for happiness, too. It could be as simple as noticing what you like and dislike, or paying attention to how you feel in different situations, or writing down some of your values and desires. 

What might be the next thing for you to practice? If it's something you'd like to explore with me, please reach out!

If it feels good, do it

If it feels good to you, do it. If it feels bad to you, don't.

This has been really helpful advice for me in pursuing happiness, and I am wondering what you think about it.

I like it because it requires me to slow down and actually pay attention to how different possibilities feel. Will it feel good to eat that food? Have that conversation? Send that email? Try that new thing?

When I've taken the time to notice what would feel good, and then do it, I don't think I've ever regretted it.

I only get in trouble when I start telling myself there's no time to slow down, and act on the first automatic thought that pops into my head.

What about you? Can you relate? What would you add?

Two steps to happiness

Today I just want to share a happiness practice I was playing with this morning. It goes like this:

1. Notice something you don't like.
2. Acknowledge what you do like, or would like instead.

That's it.

It sounds so simple, but how often do you get so caught up being disgruntled over things you don't like -- whose fault they are, how to get rid of them, what they mean, what bad things might happen because of them, how thoroughly unpleasant they are -- that you never get to step 2?

• I have a crack in my heel that really hurts. I would love to have a heel that's pain free.
• My kids are being mean to each other. It's so great when they look out for each other and have fun together.
• My house is cold. I really like being warm and cozy.
• It's late and I haven't even started my blog post yet. I love getting my writing done early, so I can just feel good about it all the rest of the day.

Those are all pretty mundane examples, but the same process can apply to any scenario.

• My president-elect is saying things that scare me. I want to trust and admire my elected leaders.
• I heard about yet another tragedy in the news. I would like to feel like the world is a safe place, where innocent people don't suffer.
• My friend hurt my feelings. I really like feeling loved and cared for. 

Intellectually, I know that life isn't perfect, and that I that can want things and not get them and still be okay. But this practice helped my emotions get on board too, and it made an immediate difference.

Would you do me a favor and try it out a few times, and let me know what happens? I want to know if it makes as much of a difference for you as it did for me. And if not, I want to know why.

Thanks in advance!