When is "self care" not actually self care?

One of the things I said in this interview last year was that sometimes what we think of as "self care" isn't self care at all, but merely a form of avoidance that ends up increasing anxiety rather than soothing it.

Maybe there's a phone call I need to make that I'm not looking forward to. I've put it off, so now I'm nervous. I decide I need to calm down first, so I decide to meditate, or go for a walk, or take a nice warm bath. Because all of those things are self care, right?

Ha.

I watched this play out for myself in slow motion last fall with my blog posts, which I was publishing less and less often. I actually had a lot of things to say, and felt good every time I shared something, but writing was was hard and time-consuming. And isn't sleep really important? And spending quality time with my family? Why sacrifice my comfort just to prove I can meet some arbitrary schedule? Doesn't my message card say, "You are loved no matter what"?

Those are all perfectly reasonable arguments. The problem was, they didn't help.

I was waking up unsettled and grumpy nearly every morning, despite my full nights of sleep. And I started getting frustrated and impatient with those family members I was spending time with. Finally, I made the connection: When I don't express my ideas, I suffer.

I don't want to suffer, so I've been making some changes, including the commitment to write and publish a new blog post every day.

I'm not getting as much sleep as I was, but I haven't missed a day, and I'm really, really proud of myself. The writing is getting easier already, I'm treating myself with more gentleness, and I'm being a lot nicer to my family, too. It feels like the best form of self care I could have chosen.

I'm curious to hear what true self care might look like for you in this new year. Are there actions you're ready to take that you know will make a difference? Do you need to add more rest and relaxation to make your level of activity sustainable? If you haven't thought much about it, would you like to?

My 6-week Motivation and Self-Accountability series starts next Wednesday 1/11, and registration is open to anyone looking for tools, inspiration, and structure to make some changes in the coming months. If this feels like something that would be good for you, please join me!

Good vs. Evil

I think sometimes all my talk of love and happiness makes me sound like a Pollyanna who thinks everything and everyone is wonderful and there is no such thing as evil or suffering. This post is an attempt to describe how I actually see things.

At some level, it's true: I do think that everything is good, miraculous even. This life we're part of is amazing! Take a God's-eye view of the vastness of time and space, and even the most tragic human drama starts to seem pretty insignificant.  

But we've got human eyes too, which look out at the world and see a lot of violence and cruelty and unfairness. And I can see how it would be infuriating to hear someone like me talk about love and goodness, assuming that I am oblivious to the suffering.

I even had someone call me "dangerous" recently because he thought my attempts to humanize Donald Trump meant that I was unwilling to call evil evil. So I've been thinking a lot about good and evil, and what it means to me. 

My biggest beef with most talk about good and evil is the way it's treated as a fixed identity. Either you're a "good guy" or a "bad guy," and it's black and white: If you're good, you deserve happiness, and if you're bad, you deserve to suffer. 

The problem is, when we see things that way, we end up spending a lot of time making sure that we are the good ones, by pointing out other people's flaws while hiding, defending or ignoring our own. We get lazy and ignorant and hypocritical -- and to me, that's evil. 

The truth is we're all a combination of both good and evil, and so is life. If someone wants to see us as evil, they will find plenty of evidence for it, and if we want to find things in the world that cause pain and suffering, we can find them. If we want to see ourselves as good, there is a ton of evidence for that, too, and if we want to find things that bring joy and beauty in the world, we can.

Judging or defending the "truth" about any of it is a waste of time. The only thing we can do is make a personal choice, in each moment, to focus on one or the other.

It's time to re-commit

For the last few weeks, I've been participating in a 30-day "Life Transformation Challenge" based on Hal Elrod's book, The Miracle Morning. 

This means that every day I've completed 10 specific activities that I know are important to my happiness and fulfillment, including meditating, exercising, journaling, and spending time outside.

I committed to these things out of love and hope, because I knew they would make a positive difference, and I wanted to make my life the best it could be, both for myself and the people around me.

So I was annoyed to notice, when I woke up this morning, that I was starting to see my activities as chores -- not things I wanted to do, but things I had to do. My "miracle morning" no longer felt like a celebration of what is possible, but a test to determine my worth and goodness. Yuck!

I think this is a risk with all commitments, even those born from our deepest aspirations, and the truest, most beautiful parts of ourselves. Life will get challenging, and old fears and doubts and habits will creep in. What happens then?

Do we assume we must have made a mistake, and bail out on the commitment? Or stop committing to big things in the first place because we're afraid it'll be too hard?

Oftentimes, yes. (At least I know I have.)  But I don't recommend either as a happiness practice.

Instead, these are the times to re-commit to what we really want, even if we don't know exactly how to get it. 

For myself, I want a life that works. I want to be healthy and strong. I want to learn and have fun. I want to do things that matter, and do them well. I want to be tapped in to something bigger than myself. I want to have money and freedom. I want to give and receive love. I want to feel confident and inspired. I want to be happy.

I'm not in control of everything that happens to me, but I can do my part to keep things moving in the right direction. Tomorrow is Day 27 of my 30-day challenge, and I'm gonna keep going until the end.

What about you? What are you committed to? How do you re-commit when the going gets tough?

Going beyond "How was your day?"

When I was a kid, I remember my parents asking me to tell them about my day, and not having any idea what to say. What did they care about? What was important? I wanted them to know about my life, and I had plenty I could have said, but I needed more direction. I needed specific prompts.

Even as an adult, I love the power of good questions to engage people and open up conversation. Here are five questions I've been using at my own dinner table that seem to work really well:

1. What is something you are grateful for today?
2. What is something you would like to be thanked or acknowledged for?
3. What is something you noticed or learned?
4. What is something that frustrated or disappointed you?
5. What is something you'd like to be forgiven for?

I love these questions for so many reasons. I love the way they welcome and normalize the full range of human experience. I love that there are no wrong answers or invitations for judgment; just opportunities for each person to share what it's like to be them. I love that the questions can be answered by people of all ages, and are therefore a great way to connect across generations. And I love the way they bring out stories from people's days that I wouldn't otherwise hear.

It occurs to me that the same questions could be used for many different time periods, too, not just the end-of-day review: What were you grateful for this past year? What would you like to be acknowledged for in this moment? What have you noticed or learned in the last few hours? What was frustrating or disappointing about your week? What in your life would you like to be forgiven for?

One could fill hours of interesting conversation with just those five questions.

What about you? What questions do you like to ask people? What questions do you wish others would ask you more often? How do you create opportunities to have conversations that matter? If you did an end-of-year review for 2016, what did it consist of? I'd love to hear what you have to say.

Maybe attacking the problem is not the solution

I've been thinking about how important it is to separate behavior from identity. That is, just because someone feels, thinks, or acts a certain way doesn't mean that's who they are at their core.

To use an example that's fresh on my mind: Just because my daughter taunts and demeans her younger brother doesn't mean she is a mean kid. And I don't have to think of myself as a bad mom, either, when I feel like I want to strangle her.

I have a choice about how to see people, and I choose to believe that, at our core, we are all okay. Children of God. Star stuff. Beautiful and beloved.

When I remember that, it's a lot easier to get curious about what is going on, instead of worrying about what's wrong and needing to fix it.

Maybe my kid is mean not because she enjoys it, but because she's lost touch with what actually makes her happy, and she'd rather distract herself by lashing out at her brother than sit with that discomfort. 

Maybe I get mad at her for the same reason.

Maybe my hyperfocusing on her behavior toward her brother just creates more distraction for us both.

Maybe instead of telling her how bad her behavior is, I simply need to remind her of what she loves and what she cares about.

Maybe I need to spend some more time paying attention to what those things are.

My New Year's Resolution

One thing I realized last year is how much joy it brings me to put my ideas in writing and share them. So I am hopping on the New Year's resolution bandwagon and making a commitment to write and publish one new blog post a day for the entire month of January. 

I expect this will be pretty uncomfortable for the perfectionist in me who wants everything I write to be brilliant and original and inspiring and impressive, and won't have time to edit and re-edit these posts. That perfectionist is just going to have to get over herself, though. Sometimes happiness requires discomfort. 

I would much rather take imperfect action and feel proud of myself than avoid action and know, deep down, that I am squandering precious time. As Marianne Williamson said, my playing small serves no one. 

I want you to play big, too, because I think it will make you happy. And your happiness is contagious.

What can you do that would make you feel proud of yourself? Why not start now?

Ways to give the gift of happiness

The Gift of Happiness was born right around this time in 2012. Earlier that year, I had experienced a major shift in my life, and was eager to change how I did a lot of things, including holiday gift-giving.

Someone had pointed out to me that if it's more rewarding to give than to receive, the greatest gift you can give someone is not a present, but the opportunity for them to give in a meaningful way. So for Christmas that year, I gave people Giving Kits.

Inside the Giving Kits were things my friends and family members could give away, just to make other people happy: chocolate truffles, stamped cards and postcards, dollar bills with positive messages paper-clipped to them, and a handmade "Take What You Need" flyer. Later on, I started adding message cards.

Giving Kits were fun to give, and a lot of people encouraged me to keep developing the idea, which is how the Gift of Happiness began. Four years later, I am still struck by how simple it can be to reach out to people, how good it feels, and how much it matters.  

If you're ever inspired to give a Giving Kit of your own, I would love for you to tell me about it. But I'm thinking there are other ways to spread the gift of happiness, too.

Maybe you give someone treats that they can bring into work and share with colleagues.

Maybe you buy someone two of the same gift: one for them, and another for them to give away. (I'm thinking these positive affirmation socks would be especially good for that. I saw someone wearing them at a workshop this fall and thought they were wonderful.)

Or maybe, instead of a gift receipt, you write someone a "permission to re-gift" card, like this:

Permission to Re-Gift
I got you this because I love you and it made me think of you, but I also know I don't always get gift-giving "right." If this is one of those times, please feel free to give this to someone else who would really enjoy it. No strings attached.

After all, what makes giving meaningful is usually not the objects themselves, or the money exchanged. It is the recognition that someone matters to you, and that you want them to be happy.

What other ideas do you have for how to give the gift of happiness this year? What else do you think would go well in a Giving Kit? Do you have a take on gift-giving that is different from mine?

I am interested in what you think!

Listening is Love

I've been really inspired lately by the Urban Confessional, a practice where people hold up signs that say "Free Listening," and then offer their undivided attention to strangers. No matter who a person is, whether they agree with them or not, they simply practice being present.

(For a sense of what it's like, watch their 3-minute video from this year's Republican National Convention.)

I can't think of a more powerful gift, or one that is more needed in the world right now, than listening.

We need it in our families, too. 

A lot of people have told me they're anxious about Thanksgiving because it means having to engage with people who are different from them in personality, beliefs, or lifestyle. I think that if we want meaningful and fulfilling relationships with those people, we have no choice but to listen.

By listen, please understand that I don't mean agree, obey, or come to consensus. You can listen without compromising your needs or values. More than anything, it is a state of mind. 

If your goal is to convince someone of something, or get validation for your own point of view, that is not good listening. Nor is it good listening to politely smile at someone while inside you are judging and criticizing them. Neither of those practices lead to happiness or connection.

Good listening is about giving people the experience of being seen, heard, and appreciated for the fullness of who they are, which will always be a combination of things that you like and don't like. It's a recognition that other people have lives just as complex as yours, and that there is always more you can learn about them. Listening creates space for new ideas and possibilities to emerge.

No matter who you will be with this Thanksgiving, I hope you have many opportunities to practice listening, and being listened to.

We all need it, and we all deserve it. 

All it takes is a willingness to pay attention.

The risk of withholding your blessings

Someone I really like and respect recently shared a meditation that he practiced before the second presidential debate, in which he sent loving and grounding energy to Hillary Clinton. 

I'm all for sending good wishes to people, but what struck me most was that this very loving and wise human being chose to limit his good wishes to Hillary.

Couldn't Donald Trump and his supporters use some love and groundedness, too?

A few years ago, I attended a service at the Unity Church of Rochester, where the minister offered a weekly blessing to all politicians:

May they see their work as sacred. May they govern with wisdom, humility, integrity and love. May they be supported in selflessly serving the best interests of the community and the world.

I'm sure those weren't her exact words, but the essence of the message has stuck with me.

Just because I don't agree with Donald Trump doesn't mean I can't want the same things for him as I want for every other human being on the planet: To be happy. To be healthy. To know peace. To feel loved and lovable. To use his unique gifts to serve the world.

Can you imagine how much good he could do, if that were true?

(Or, if you're a Trump supporter, how much good Hillary could do if she leveraged her strengths to support something you care about?)

I don't have confidence that anyone else will change just because I happen to have a certain intention for them. But offering all candidates and their supporters a heartfelt blessing feels comforting and good to me. It reinforces the best of who I am and what I stand for.

Conversely, when I withhold my blessings from people, it makes me feel small, powerless, and afraid. And I am of service to no one.

What about you? 

If you could offer a blessing to your leaders and representatives, what would it be? What do you want most for them? What do you want from them?

I would love to hear.

What is your intention?

Think about the social gatherings that you enjoy the least.

Why do you go? 

Do you fall into the cynical victim category?

• Because I have to.
• Because I'm supposed to.
• Because if I don't, it will make things worse.
• Because I like suffering.
• Because I get to drink a lot.
• Because I'll have something to talk about the next day.

Or can you come up with a story that is more empowering?

• Because my presence matters.
• Because _____ is important to me.
• Because I'm curious about _____.
• Because I like spending time with _____.
• Because I want to practice _____.
• Because I have something to offer.

All of these reasons are made up, of course; no single answer is the truth. I'm sure you could come up with multiple answers in both categories.

But the stories you tell yourself about these gatherings will shape your experience, so the ones you choose are important.

Here's my challenge for you:

1. Think about a social gathering you have coming up that you aren't particularly looking forward to.
2. Allow yourself to name the things you probably won't like about it.
3. Identify reason(s) for going anyway, that would feel both authentic and good to you.*

*In your inquiry, you might also realize that what feels most authentic and good to you is not to go to this event at all. That is a legitimate answer, too.

Share your reasons for going (or not going!) in the comments below by Wednesday 10/26, and you'll be entered to win a 5-Card Happiness Kit.

Happy inquiring!